Blogging About Blogging

In the spirit of blogging about an article on blogging, I submit a true diary/journal blog for your consideration:

It's after midnight (sorry Dr. Kemp) and I am just now getting to my blog.  I had a rough day and then I allowed myself to spend the evening with my family.  Now I'm paying for it.  I am tired.  Bone weary.  This level of weariness seems to be an almost constant companion lately, and increasingly I find myself asking, "What the hell am I doing?"  I started college late in life, took 6 1/2 years to get my bachelors (single mom, work, school, etc.), and this is my second masters.  I have been in school for the bulk of the last 12 years, and even though I feel like I have finally found my niche in technical communication, I still have my doubts at times.  I am still not completely sure of what I want to be when I grow up.  At times, I'm not even sure I want to complete this program.  Right now a nice 9-5 office job sounds really good.  Go to work and when you come home, you are really off work.  I never feel like I'm off work.  Even in the middle of the night sometimes.  The to do list is always spinning in my brain.  Between class work, grading, and family, I feel spread so thin you could slide me under the door. And next semester will be even more challenging since I will be teaching two sections on top of everything else.  I am honestly worried about how I can possibly handle it all, and when I am this tired, I am not even sure I want to try.

So, what do I do?  Do I quit, get a "normal" job, and let all of the work I've done so far go to waste?  Do I abandon a love of teaching just when I am finally going to get to be in an official classroom?  Do I let the fear, anxiety, and weariness become my reality?  Do I admit defeat, acknowledge my limitations, and slip out the back door to parts unknown?

I don't think so.

Because the doubts and fears and anxiety and weariness are not my reality.  They are temporary, albeit persistent, demons that I must do battle with, but they are not my reality.  My true reality is the stimulation of good classroom discussion, interesting information, and the fun of learning something new every day.  It is getting to know new and interesting people with whom I may have nothing else in common except that we're all in this boat together, yet it is enough for camaraderie and even friendship to develop.  My true reality is knowing that all of this effort is leading me towards something, even if I'm not completely sure what that something is.  My true reality is that when all is said and done, there is nothing else I'd rather be doing right now.

So, I'll keep plugging along, doing the best I know how, and hoping (praying?!) that is is good enough.  Put one foot in front of the other, check the next thing off the list (like a midnight blog) and move on.  In the meantime I get to hang out with some really smart and interesting people (like you!) and learn things and do things I would otherwise not get to do.  And who knows, maybe somewhere along the way I'll figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

*Postscript:  With the dawn of a new day, and a good night's sleep, school and life don't seem nearly as bleak as depicted here.  I somewhat regret the baring of my soul when I was so depleted. I don't want to be perceived as a whiner, but it was honest so I'm not changing it.  And, after all, post publication regret is also an inherent aspect of the blog, isn't it?